Loneliness
in your 20’s
Written by Maya Swan
Illustrated by Rebecca Chrabaszewski
Designed by Gwenyth Bechtel
Photographed by Taylor Priola & Maya Swan
Lisa Fishman, 55 and a professor of English and Creative Writing at Columbia College Chicago, said that she remembers coming back from sabbatical and hearing one of her students say, “it’s a lonely time to be a college student.” A statement she said really resonated with what she sees in her student's writing. Loneliness — an emotion that can continue to arise for a lifetime — is commonly associated with feelings of numbness, depression, exhaustion, and friendlessness, and some even draw inspiration from it. There are similarities that can be drawn from those struggling with it in their 20s, a time full of expectation, uncertainty, and self-discovery.
Extract what you were looking for in every love letter you ever wrote. I mean the soy fields, guy sleeping on bus, boy riding cow, nothing but air, red blossom, yellow shirt, of course the light through maple leaves, many leaves, person crossing street, praying mantis doing T’ai Chi, or were you hearing all those things.
One vowel turns to another, turns into another and that’s a lot going on all time.
An excerpt from Fishman’s poetry book Mad World, Mad Kings, Mad Composition, lines that express something that Fishman found herself grabbling with in her 20s. Having infatuation for certain people, in a sense, made her blind to other things around her. Fishman, speaking to her 20-something-year-old self —“don’t be so hedonistic. Hedonistic is the pursuit of pleasure,” she said. “Because I feel like maybe I would have learned a little bit more about myself. If there wasn't quite so much focus on relationships or another person in some cases.”
“Because I feel like maybe I would have learned a little bit more about myself. If there wasn’t quite so much focus on relationships or another person in some cases.”
The pressure to be in a relationship, as well as the desire to find happiness within one, can intensify at a time when this expectation begins. The lack of close or romantic relationships can result in feelings of isolation or loneliness. And in some cases, the presence of an unhealthy relationship can create that same feeling. “You get to figure out what's right for you in your 20s and what works for you,” said Sarah Balog, 25 and a student at Columbia College Chicago. Balog, left an abusive relationship at 21 and later began to rediscover her identity after having her thoughts and decisions dictated by another person. While amidst the relationship, she said it took her away from friends and family. “I kept making exceptions and excuses for this person to try and keep them in my life. I really wanted that affection and feeling that someone really cared about me for the first time,” she said.
After breaking away from the relationship, she said it took her a while to feel normal again. As she processed what she had been through, she leaned on family and therapy as tools to rediscover who she was outside of the relationship, a process she says is ever-evolving. “I think where I'm at right now is a really good place. I feel fulfilled creatively like I haven't felt before,” she said. Adding that loneliness is still a concept she finds herself struggling with. “I would like to say yes, but no. I am not great at being alone…that’s something I’m actively working on is trying to take time for myself.” Being so isolated from parts of herself during such formative years sparked a lot of reflections on how it shaped who she is today. "I feel like I'm much more mature and emotionally intelligent because of that, and I'm more of a productive person. But it's really a shame that I had to work through those experiences to feel this. I would have gotten here,” she said. Relationships, which are the catalyst for a lot of change in people, are such a huge part of people's lives and remain difficult to navigate.
There’s a river of madness running through my soul
There’s a ripple of sadness
I can now control
Bridges burn
Clock is slow
I could learn
A selfish glow
Sings Audrey Walsh, 21, a student at UNC Chapel Hill and lead singer of her band Hiding Places. She originally wrote the song, titled Canyon, from the perspective of a friend during their break up and later started drawing from her own experience of being lonely within a relationship. The song, which expresses the ache of losing someone in your life, describes a consistent lesson those in their 20s begin to learn, the hard truth — that people come and go.
“I've experienced intense loneliness because I have just entered a new space without knowing anyone," Walsh said. Adding that for the past couple of years, she has entered a lot of new environments, such as moving to college and spending a semester abroad in London, where she constantly has had to reacquaint herself with new people. “I simultaneously feel the exhaustion and loneliness of that but also the excitement and love of that process,” she said. Connection and self-discovery which comes more naturally to some — Walsh attributing a lot of her creative growth to the communities that have held her — show up at different points in people's lives.
“I simultaneously feel the exhaustion and loneliness of that but also the excitement and love of that process.”
“I had so many questions and not enough answers,” said Kaila Allen, 32, when reflecting back on the last decade of her life. Allen said that her 20s were full of adventure, curiosity, and also feelings of being lost. “I definitely thought I would be more happy and more productive in my 20s. I didn't think I would go through so many slopes, so many ups and downs,” she said. “I thought it would be straightforward.” Before beginning her travels and moving to Chicago in her mid-twenties, growing up in what felt like a small town, Allen found that her hometown in Wisconsin left her feeling stuck. She said that being black and alternative wasn't common there “I just love to express myself. And when I was in Milwaukee, it was kind of like I did a little bit of that, but I just felt like I was in a box. And I couldn’t do as much as I wanted to,” she said.
A common purpose for many during their 20s is building a sense of identity. Feelings of isolation don’t just arise from not being around people but from stagnancy and not having ways to express oneself creatively. Loneliness, which Fishman says seems a lot more common than when she was in her 20’s, seems to have a lot to do with social media “you're supposed to feel so connected to everybody, and that it's paradoxically alienating, and isolating, and instead of fully experiencing a moment, you're taking a picture of it and sending it out,” she said. During Fishmans classes, she doesn’t allow students to use any technology — a tactic used to allow students to connect with one another and the material in front of them. “That can feel really grounding,” she said.
Fishman’s approach to being alone is that it isn’t a bad thing, but rather another tool she uses. “I have a very great appetite for solitude…I can take that to extremes that other people would find lonely,” she said. In 2020 Fishman spent four months in isolation in a cabin on an island in Nova Scotia, where she went to write. “My impression is that maybe if you are a writer, you're less susceptible to loneliness. Because there's always the writing or the page,” she said.
“My impression is that maybe if you are a writer, you’re less susceptible to loneliness. Because there’s always the writing or the page.”
Authors Note: I wrote this story in hopes of others finding comfort in the experiences and reflections of those who have dealt or continue to deal with loneliness. An emotion I am very familiar with. A pen and paper have become my best coping mechanism. I thought it would be fitting that I include a poem I wrote last semester about what being 20 felt like to me.
Twenty
I lay on a pillow that never trusted a man
Legs extended across faded cotton sheets
Hair pressed against my neck
My hand on my stomach
Inhale
Exhale
I half watch the windowsill
A telephone wire sways, so does a branch of ivy
Fifteen felt like emptiness
Twenty feels like everythingness
Except sureness
Bottles of convenient store wine
Crumbled pages meant to impress
Is this it?
Stubbed toes on curbs at 2am
Bad kissers
Falling in love with flowers
The laughter of women
Neighborhoods
Walks
Lined pages
Dancing
Crying bus rides
Is this it?
Freedom
Aloneness
Is this it?
I roll over onto my side and let the sounds of the breeze coming though the window rock me back to sleep.